The New Life and Times of Bodicea

It is really amazing how I hung on for all those years, sure I resented you every time i saw you. Thank God for alcohol because I needed something to numb the pain of your stupid, inane ramblings. My husband for years has been telling me to move on, that you are annoying, dumb, beneath me. He was always so mean about you I guess I felt guilty.

But 9 years and you are more broken than ever.  I get it now, you are not really some poor person that has just been given a poor deal. You are a brat that wants her own way. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. You nearly 50 and you are still creating dramas and off loading them onto the poor suffering bystanders in your life you assemble, you think yourself above most people. Dare anyone to disagree and you fall apart. It is like walking on eggshells charged with an urgency NEVER to crack a single shell.  Your new age crap. the stuff  that you seem to think you are a guru with is a joke. You are the most negative person I know. You lie. All the time, in fact you forget the lies you have told. I have caught you out so many times but am too polite to bring them up. You my dear are full of shit.

You are boring, oh so fucking boring. Yet you cannot shut up about yourself. You are selfish and hate people getting a better go than you, but they all do get a better go because good things come to those who deserve. Never once have you been genuinely happy for me when good things happen my way.  If only you would let go of the crap, consider others and take repsonsibility for your role in things.  I cannot go on sitting there listening to your ramblings, feeling terse and pissed off with you until I get so fucking mad I get snappy and gnarly and growl at you or someone near you…This only happens near you.  I must go. For the both of us. I hate us. This not friendship. No. it is inauthentic of me to continue this pretense.

It worries me as your mother ages and you keep bursting into tears with fear, I cannot step up to that plate. I get a strong sense that you may transfer the role to me in sorts.  I am someone else’s mother – and I like them.

Gotta go dear. This doesn’t work. No no no no! I am leaving, I once would worry about what you might say about me. I don’t anymore, who would listen to you, sadly you convince people in the first five minutes that you are seriously unstable. No we have nothing in common. Did we ever? I wasn’t very stable back then either. Not ever a good bonding time. We are worlds apart and i did well to never let you fully into mine. Security is a wise choice.

So good bye, this is the last time I will ever go into such detail about how I feel – you will never know about this either, I do keep things private yes? . When our paths cross, I will be polite but that is all.  I cannot give you anoth minute more of my precious energy. That belongs to my people.

So I feel fat and frazzled and over it all. I refuse to stay this way.

So I need to set a plan….I need to take this step by step, day by day.

Tonight:

• early shower and get into PJ’s CHECK
• To bed at 9:30
• drink 4 glasses of H2O
• AFD CHECK
• CFD CHECK

Tomorrow shall be:

• a work day
• AFD
• CFD
• start week 3 of C25
• Easy meal
• I will be organised

Tuesday:

• AFD
  
• CFD
• More C25K
• Washing
• Cook two meals
• Post parcel
• Examine Budget
• Make three cards
• Dusting, Vacuuming, floors,
• book hard rubbish collection
• I will read outside if weather permits for at least half an hour
• Make muesli
• Pilates

Wednesday

• AFD
• CFD
• Work
• C25K
• Review week

I am PMS ‘ing like a mad mad woman. My knees ache, I am getting shots of pain through my nipples. I have no energy but that might have more to do with the fact that I drank too much wine last night with G and slept like crap.

I wish…………….to be left alone

I want…………….more attention

I feel………………fat and teary and snarly and hungry

I am sick of………struggling to give up binge smoking

I am also sick of………..being responsible for feeding and clothing and morally shaping people

I feel…………..guilty for all feeling all of the above

When………….will I feel fully accomplished

I want……….no noise in my house

I want………..to feel motivated

Being fat…………makes me feel not as good as others

I am fed up……..with fair weathered friends and attracting nutcases

I would love…………to have friends that care about me and require an average amount of maintainence

I wish………I belonged, I feel outside, left out.